Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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