On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
