i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
