We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
