Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
