I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
