He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
