I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
