I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Your penis caused this!
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