Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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