There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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