got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
BRING THE BAGELS
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
