Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
