I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I don't think brook has ever known best
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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