I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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