If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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