I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
