OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
