If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
