last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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