i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
