i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
