Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
