So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
