Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
