I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
