Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
