Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
