Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Randomize
