omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
