I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
