I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
