i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
being pregnant is like rehab
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
