you traded sex for a burrito?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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