You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
