WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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