They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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