The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
