Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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