She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
