party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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