My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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