She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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