I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
