It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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