just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
