an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
