My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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