tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
