i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
