Life is so much better after having sex.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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