we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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