ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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