I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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