I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
