i don't like sucking hair
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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