i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize