so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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