i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
