Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
