So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
