I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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