I'm lost and stupid without you.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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